U 2? Even Swap – No Swindle Abandonment, Denial, & Betrayal
Have you been torn away from your mother at birth and put into the nursery, given up for adoption or been left in foster care, been physically or sexually abused, been unseen or misunderstood by parents or other caregivers, been lied to, been unprotected by a parent or caregivers, been teased or left out with siblings or peers, been left at a young age to care of yourself, a parent, or other siblings?
A “core abandonment issue” is the earliest abandonment event that you can remember as a young child. This event caused you to have feelings of abandonment that have affected your self-esteem, ability to bond, trust, and love yourself or others. This event can be resolved presently or it can still be unresolved.
Everyday there are people who feel as if life itself has left them on a doorstep or thrown them away. Abandonment is about loss of love itself that crucial loss of connectedness. It often involves breakup, betrayal, and aloneness. People struggling with abandonment issues include those going through the ending of a relationship as well as searching adoptees, recently widowed, and those suffering the woundedness of earlier childhood disconnections. This blog is NOT about blaming your parents or caregivers – it’s about the acknowledgment of what happened so you can heal the original pain, stop the cycle, and live a happier life.
When you are deeply wounded at a young age, you cannot handle the pain, so you find ways to dissociate (leave our body-mentally) from the intense feelings. Then, later in life, especially when you fall in love, these old wounds can get activated. Our beloved gets angry, withdraws, gives attention to someone else, says mean-nice-nasty things, does not tell the truth, does not stand up for you, comes home late, misunderstands you, and so on – suddenly the pain that has been pushed aside, swallowed down, or denied all these years comes roaring to the surface. You think that you are reacting to the present situation, but what is really happening is that the old, unhealed abandoment wound has been touched off.
You might find yourself suddenly enraged or fall apart with intense tears. Your reaction seems too big for the situation, yet you cannot seem to stop the inner pain. Whatever you do please do not seek help from the person(s) who activated your abandonment wound. They may still be stuck in their own wounded place, the place that touched off your wound.
When you have abandonment issues it makes it really difficult to have lasting relationships with lovers, partners or friends. Going through
life without healthy loving relationships is sad…depressing. The reality is that fear and insecurity become the reality you live; your negative, self-hating and self-fulfilling prophesy continues to be your truth. What makes your life at home, work or with friends worse is that fear of abandonment can create a pattern where you attract those who will abandon you. Or you push others away, thus abandoning them.
Check out the video below for visual information:
I have always enjoyed common sense, in order to come to terms with whatever you are not able to understand.
this has helped me see a little clearer that it is how you approach all negative
problems that arise in everyone.. Thank You Dr.Bev for your insight.
It took me awhile to read this article because I am going through this right now. I really needed this Dr. Bev. I listened to the Video and that was extremely helpful in letting me know HOW to heal from my abandonment issues.
I was left alone in an apartment for an entire weekend by my mother among other things that happened on her watch before I was 6. I have forgiven my mother but that does not erase the effects this has had on me.
I have written a book of poetry that I consider my gift, and am blogging my journey to healing. I know I am on purpose for my life right now and all I do is so someone else can have an easier time healing and not feel alone like I have for so many years. I am on a path to healing from this publicly which makes it even more sensitive.
I have started seeing a therapist again, but I realize that I need something different than what she has to offer after listening to your video.
Again thank you so much I have come here often for information and support.
When the overwhelming flashbacks/memories started it was almost debilitating. I will keep you posted on how the healing process is going. I love you for what you do Dr. Bev.
Very good article Dr. Bev! In my last relationship my partner suffered from abandonment issues. It was because of this and other issues, that I had to break up with her. To be honest, I am relieved our relationship is over. It was impossible. I understood emotionally what she was going through and why she was behaving as she did, pushing me away at times. In my heart, I knew that I had had enough. I have learned so much from that relationship, especially… that I don’t ever want to experience that type of relationship again. Since then, Wow! I’ve noticed so many wounded relationships. It’s amazing how most people don’t even have a clue what’s wrong with them.
Thank you for this article Dr. Bev and for all that you do..it’s because of you, that I have learned soooo much. Just the other day I was having a wonderfully intense conversation with a woman and she told me that I was the most emotionally healthy person she has ever met, and that made me smile. My response to her was that I am now emotionally healthy thanks to someone very special, someone who taught me so much. Much love and respect…
Viv
Abandonment is a double edged sword; either directly as one abandoned or as the target of one’s abandonment. I came out of a relationship several weeks ago over a time where she expressed a lot of verbiage about love, but the mental connection wasn’t there. She would perform superficial acts as an expression of love, but could never or would never talk about her feelings. Being secretive and manipulative have always raised flags for me. All of us bring some sort of baggage into a relationship, but when everybody else is the problem,what’s one to do?