YOU Talking To Me? I Am Talking Too You. “Drop it like its Hot, Boi”

You aren’t going to get anywhere if you don’t listen first, right?  It does not matter rather it is a work relationship, family, friend or lover.  You want to understand the purpose and intention behind what the other person is saying about what they want, what their needs are and how they want them met.

Paul Donoghue, PhD and Mary Siegel, PhD wrote,  We Need to Talk: Steps to Better Communication, they talk about how a few changes in how we tackle difficult conversations can save relationships.

Whether it be confrontations between gurls and boyz,  lovers, spouses, parents and children, work colleagues, sex partner or friends, knowing a few basic tactics of expressing ourselves can lead to safer, closer bonds between everyone involved.  Therese J. Borchard excerpted the following steps from chapter fourteen, entitled “Communicating Effectively.”

Step one: stop to reflect.

Per the authors: “You must be clear within yourself first if you want to have a chance of being transparent to others. Effective communication with others relies on successful communication with yourself.” This is an exercise in stepping back to come up with a plan before you open your mouth.

Step two: know your intentions.

This is not as easy as it sounds. So often we speak not knowing what we truly want. We think our intention is one thing–for example, getting our parents to exercise–when, in reality, the deeper intention is to express our overriding concern about our parents’ health, and for them to know that their health decisions affect us.

Step three: start by saying “I.”

The great thing about “I” statements is that you can pretty much say anything you want to, because you’re keeping the focus on you, and you have the right to express your needs, perceptions, intentions, beliefs, and thoughts. By beginning your statements with “I,” you prevent unfair accusations.

Step four: say what you are feeling.

“I” statements aren’t effective if the pronoun isn’t followed by the word “feel” or something equivalent. This is easier for some more than others. If you are not accustomed to this way of talking, DrBev suggest start with basic adjectives like “good” and “bad,” or spatial terms like “close” and “distant.” Like a foreign language, it may require some practice.

Step five: identify your perceptions.

A perception is the reason for your feeling. If you were an attorney, you might call it Exhibit A. Because, in most cases, you need to provide some rationale or justification for your feeling. In DrBev’s World, she agrees with the authors of  “We Need to Talk: Steps to Better Communication” Your feelings are not governed by another’s behavior but by the way that you interpret that behavior. You have every right to your emotions and to your perceptions. But good communication requires that you accept that YOUR feelings are based on YOUR perceptions.

Step six: expressing your perceptions.

The final step often involves using the word “when,” so that you can direct your feelings and perceptions to a specific moment, which improves your chances of being heard and understood by the other person.


DrBev is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Mental Health Counselor, and a Certified Gestalt Psychotherapist, Seminar - WorkShop Facilitator, Radio Personality, Author and President and Educational Director of DrBev Mental Health Counseling.
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  1. Lovey Curry
    Posted March 3, 2011 at 7:46 am | Permalink

    Thanks Dr. Bev… As Always .. You Hit nail on the head .. something like that .. ha ha so appreciate your knowledge wissdom and utilization of “How to” get from point a to b … Blessings ..


  2. Posted March 4, 2011 at 1:06 am | Permalink

    This is so needed. Effectiveness/deliverance, body language, hearing and tone are indeed key to receptiveness. all of that matters, if soft deliverance is not executed, the words are not heard and the purpose is lost.Meanings are held in people, not in words. Words can mean different things to different people and sending the message doesn’t necessarily equate with comprehending the message.

    Posted March 4, 2011 at 3:17 am | Permalink

    Good Evening Dr. Bev…
    I do so agree with the “I” …I feel, that had I known about how to approach a situation and state how it made me feel, with confidence, perhaps I may have been heard. Or even “I hear what you’re saying and acknowledge your feelings but I too have feelings”…this was such good information…I am so glad to be privy to more of it to fine tune mine. When not using it so much it gets lost in translation!

  4. Posted March 4, 2011 at 2:12 pm | Permalink

    Thank You for sharing this. I realized that I did not communicate as well as I thought in a previous relationship. I was definitely the primary communicator but my ex partner was not open to receiving the information. Maybe had I utilized steps such as these, we may have survived. Always learning, always growing.

  5. Posted March 4, 2011 at 3:24 pm | Permalink

    I agree with the person above – while I always prided myself on being such an “open communicator”, I realize where I may have fallen short on a few things in my last relationship (of 9.5 years)… But I’m appreciating the second chances we can all realize, if we’re open to trying again and willing to look at ourselves and expect to GIVE all that we want to RECEIVE. Thank you Dr. Bev for this timely post!

  6. Posted March 5, 2011 at 5:15 am | Permalink

    I love the “I” statement. Most people don’t understand the principles of using the I statement. It shouldn’t be used to express opionions and talk about yourself endlessly. I see it as a tool to convey information and engage with the other person.

    Oh I also feel that “I” statements should have sub “I” statements like…

    “I feel”

    “I need”

    Jus sayin.

    Love the blog Dr. Bev,


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