After Beautiful left me, told me we were over I was devastated. How could this be happening to me, again? I knew she said she was unhappy with our relationship. I knew something was going on but I could not put my finger on it. Beautiful, nagged me that I did not listen to or understand, appreciate, value or showed her enough love and affection, except when I wanted sex. I did not understand, we just did not make sense. I loved her. Things between us would get emotionally crazy between us after a period of closeness or sex. Beautiful, said the relationship felt lonely, even with me by her side, no intimacy or companionship. Something was missing.
DrBev, first, I just thought she was like all the rest of the women I choose, infidelity, my worst fear. But she was always in place always transparent about her where-about with me. What was there not to trust? Then another fear an illusion came to my mind that maybe it was not physical, maybe it was an emotional relationship she was in at work. I believed me. We argued and fought about her “Not getting her emotional needs met. I just did not get it. Beautiful was everything to me a good girl, loyal, compassionate and classy. She like all of us had a few emotional issues that she denied and just swallowed down the pain. She was raped as a child for several years by a family member and physically abused by her narcissist mother. But, my life was life, alcoholic father, controlling mother and just all out dysfunctional family. What we had in common was that we both did what children do suppressed our feelings and needs in order to meet the needs of the adults who were supposed to take of and protect us.
Beautiful, was the one person, no matter how much we disagreed I knew she would always be there for me. No matter I much I messed up that everything would be alright. I reminded her often that she was not perfect herself she had her faults. Though all we been through I could never not see my life without her, never! We did not talk about the issues she presented, I intentionally stayed away from what I thought were our hot button topics. I withheld communication and affection when she went through what I laughingly referred to as her nagging phase. When we did try to talk let’s just say we were not kind and respectful to each other. I reasoned that my anger justified my behavior by throwing her past emotional wounds in her face, saying mean, ugly, hurtful things. She would just cry. Which made me angrier; crying was a sign of weakness to me.
Truth to be told maybe she had some unresolved resentments because I had a one night stand last year. It was not intentional it just happened. Get over it! Hurt! How many times do I have to say I am sorry? I worked long hours trying to give her what I thought she wanted “material stuff”. I showed her how much I loved her with the ‘Bling’ I brought and I like her to wear when we went out together. Which was not often we had few mutual interests, friends and she did not like sports which was my thing. Lately, between conflicting working schedules, lack of intimacy, and in my down time I just wanted to hang with my buddies. Relax. Get some time away from home. On a few occasions I lose track of time and its 2 -3 am before I come home from work.
Now that she is gone, house empty of her stuff, no phone calls, texts, no contact or communication. The first few days were insufferable. I did not think I would survive. I wanted to die. I did survived and later when into counseling. I wanted to work on me, I was tired of the emptiness I was feeling or my anger and self-righteousness. Like why do I did the things I do when I am hurt or anger and I don’t tell Beautiful what my reasons were because I did not let myself know. I either pulled away emotionally or pushed her away with criticism or undermining comments.
In counseling I learned about abandonment. And how my past childhood learning about emotions where keeping me stuck in ways I was not aware and as an adult were not benefiting my life in ways that was healthy. In therapy I realized my intimacy fear was subconscious, buried beneath my story, beneath my other stories and it was in current story were the truth was held. In counseling I was able to talk about my contradictions which allowed me to be closer to my authentic self.
I learned that I kept choosing beautiful girls to make everyone think I had it all good. However, behind closed doors I choose to break ‘Beautiful’ self-esteem down with humiliation and abuse to make me feel good and powerful about me. I now know that my negative behaviors towards women were fears of intimacy which stem from the emotional abandonment I experience in childhood.
Beverly DrBev Jackson is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Certified Gestalt Psychotherapist and owner of DrBev Mental Health Counseling. Services available by phone, Skype, or VIP – I come to you!!!! Book time for your consultation today.