Look Good 2 You, even Taste Good. Might not be Good 4 You!

Do you hang-in relationships that are painful no matter how much you suffer?   Do you continually spoil a good relationship with hurtful and confusing behavior such as criticizing, cheating or running away? What would make anyone persist in pursuing relationships that are doomed to failure?  A relationship cycle that is repetitive, filled with sadness, anger, rage, despair, hopelessness, hurt.  In DrBev’s world you can break free from deeply rooted negative patterns, create the healthy, harmonious, and loving relationship that you have always longed for and can have, that is, if you are willing to do your emotional work on YOU.

No matter the matter of your sexuality, gay, heterosexual, lesbian, transgender, queer…..Mention the words “commitment phobic” in casual conversation, and often times you’ll find people complaining about men. For a long time that may (or may not) have been true. Regardless, commitment phobia has been a puzzle of relationships for a long time. Is commitment phobia exclusively a male phenomenon? I will give you three guess and the first two don’t count. The answer is “NO”.

Time was when a woman graduated high school, her only goal was to get married and have children. But with the 60s came a big change — women became movers and shakers in a world previously dominated by men. These new gains meant new attitudes, even in the areas of love and marriage. Thirty years later, the question is: Did the revolution turn the former societal expectation on its head? Not really. Even today — in the 21st century — the notion that women should marry and have children still exists. This gives rise to an even larger question: Can societal expectations and the new ‘freedom’ women discovered decades ago, co-exist without wreaking havoc between men and women or same-sex relationship?

In Audrey Chapman’s book Seven Attitude Adjustments to Finding a Loving Man, she mention four types of women who fall into the commitment-phobia category.

There’s the Pity Party-Goer. She’s always whining and complaining, setting herself up in relationships that couldn’t work so she can keep proving to herself that relationships don’t work. She’s got a self-fulfilling prophecy going on and she believes it. So she just selects people that are going to keep reinforcing it.

Then there’s The Boomerang. She keeps leaving and returning and leaving and returning to the same failing relationship, and she does it for a period of years. But that’s her way of avoiding commitment.

The next one is The Detective. She is in constant search of the perfect man/womyn, the best man/womyn, the macho man/womyn, the gorgeous man/womyn, the professional man/womyn, the well-dressed man/womyn and the man/womyn with the slamming body — and he/she got to fit that entire criteria or it doesn’t work. If she meets a man/womyn who is well endowed, has a nice body, is professional, makes good money and seems to be attentive and kind…but has one false eye, she/he doesn’t want him/her.

And finally the Picky Picker. She finds a suitable man/womyn and then picks him/her apart piece-by-piece. He/she doesn’t drive the right car, he/she doesn’t make enough money, he/she bald, he/she too short, he/she has too much belly. In the end, no one meets her/her stringent requirements.

Although all relationships may cause pain at times, DrBev works’ with people who have a pattern of  being in hurtful relationships and who want to change that once and for all. Working with DrBev you learn to honor that special being inside yourself and another and also learned to honor each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Where you lack she/he exceeds, where he/she lacks you exceed, it is a wonderful balance that once you ‘Get It’ you really learn to  treasure what you have and realize that you have so much to learn from each other.



DrBev is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Mental Health Counselor, and a Certified Gestalt Psychotherapist, Seminar - WorkShop Facilitator, Radio Personality, Author and President and Educational Director of DrBev Mental Health Counseling.
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  1. Posted April 21, 2011 at 8:05 pm | Permalink

    Nice post. When I “use” to have that pain, I really would have needed to hear your words. I am sure they will help those that just don’t know what to do. I stayed in one for 11 years and I do believe there was true love there. I have not forgotten the pain, but I have gotten over it. I think we both learned from it and we are good friends now. It has taken time to get there. I have had four years of being single, dating a few to really learn more of me and how I stayed in a no-win situation. Hopefully this next one will be the charm I have been wanting..no it will be not hopefully!

  2. Katrina
    Posted April 21, 2011 at 9:22 pm | Permalink

    I really enjoyed reading this Dr. Bev. I found much of myself,as the “picky picker”. I understand this could be a serious problem. Thanks for sharing!

  3. Bree
    Posted April 21, 2011 at 10:31 pm | Permalink

    I enjoyed reading this article and can relate to it. I stayed in my last relationship way too long. I finally realized that things weren’t getting better and I was unhappy. I had to take control of my happiness, therefore, had to leave that unhealthy relationship for good. I had to leave it emotionally, mentally, spiritually as well as physically. Today, I know when to “hold them and fold them.” That was a powerful lesson for me as a person who desires and deserves to be in a healthy and God filled relationship with someone who will honor this.

    Thanks for sharing, DrBev.

  4. Vickie Brown
    Posted April 22, 2011 at 3:35 am | Permalink

    Thanks again for a great article. A lot of times we are so focused on pointing out what’s wrong with our partner that we fail to look at ourselves and any negativity we could be contributing to the relationship. I like the breakdown of the four types of women with commitment phobias. That did seem to explain behavior of one or two people I have dealt with in the past.

  5. Brenda
    Posted April 22, 2011 at 8:47 am | Permalink

    This is a very informative article, I think I’ve experienced all of these types, except maybe one. I just want to make sure that I’m not one of them myself.

    I really need to be able to trust my partner, and I’m finding it difficult to trust most women. There always seems to be some type of motive, as well as a lot of drama, or confusion. I know there will be issues because we are all human, but trust issues for me are deal breakers.

  6. Posted April 22, 2011 at 3:44 pm | Permalink

    Thanks for sharing very valuable information. I don’t know a woman alive who hasn’t passed (or stayed stuck) in a relationship that offered nothing but pain. It doesn’t matter why. What matters is the truth – that it’s only necessary as long as you believe it is.

  7. Bree
    Posted April 23, 2011 at 3:53 am | Permalink

    I agree with Vickie B. on how we tend to focus on the other persons negative behavior moreso than ours. The very fact that we stay with the person who is exhibiting unloving behavior towards us is enough for us to look at ourself and ask why? I had to stop looking at my partner and her madness and check myself. Why am I still in this madness and don’t have to be? Why am I allowing someone to dishonor me? These a some of the questions I had to ask myself, but could not answer honestly until I was totally out of the relationship. I had to remove myself for good. I also knew that I had to revisit that situation with myself for myself because I knew I needed to learn the lesson(s) so I would not end up back there.

  8. Viv
    Posted May 10, 2011 at 10:33 pm | Permalink

    Once again, thanks Dr.Bev for a wonderful article. I’m still learning, but I’m in a much better place now. A relationship cannot work unless both parties are willing to do their own individual work and change their individual self, because all of us have something not quite right(unhealthy behavior) within us. It is important to always speak your truth to your partner. Once you learn to speak your truth, you take power in owning you own life and only then can change occur.

  9. MB
    Posted March 14, 2012 at 5:03 am | Permalink

    Well, I am definitely not one of those phobias but I have definitely dated all 4! 😉 I am looking forward to a relationship. It does take 2 to tango, in this case it does take 2 for a relationship. I believe both people have to be ready in the same capacity at the same time and have respect for one another.

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